Pinching a Loaf, Part I

Let’s talk loaf….

This Oscar Mayer ad is from 1978 and the selection of loaf offerings is impressive. I know there was an article posted recently about how Millennials are killing American cheese and other old-school foods, but a lot of this loaf was killed off a long time ago. I do remember seeing (and eating) quite a few of these deli delights as a kid and I know Oscar Mayer still sells a few of the classic staples (bologna, etc..), but lets look these loafs…

Some of them are clear in what they are, such as Ham & Cheese Loaf, Olive Loaf, and Pickle & Pimento Loaf. But what in the fuck is Luxury Loaf? Is it the best of the snouts and assholes? What about Picnic Loaf? Can you ONLY eat it on a picnic? Honey Loaf bothers me, because I’m assuming it’s bits of honey ham squished together to make it a loaf. But why not leave it as is and call it Honey Ham?

And look at Chopped Ham – it looks exactly the fucking same as the Honey Loaf, so WHY doesn’t it get the Loaf designation? Bar-B-Q Loaf looks exactly the same as the New England Brand Sausage except it’s square. And what in the fuck is Old Fashioned Loaf?

And don’t get me started on all that Luncheon Meat. Fuck you Oscar Mayer – I’m eating that shit for DINNER.

Salami for Beer? But what if my beer is vegan?

Minced Ham and Chopped Ham are the same fucking thing.

Bologna & Cheese is the Goober of the deli – both are the #1 picks of the parents of latchkey kids.

Let’s be real – this is all the same exact shit. I can picture some dad in the 70’s on his lunch break at the Schlitz brewery and he takes a bite of the sandwich his wife made…

“UGH this is Luxury Loaf! I told that bitch to make my sandwiches with Old Fashioned Loaf!”

I guess the best way to try them all to see what you like was to get those variety packs. But I think it was this “variety” that did a lot of these loafs in. How much pressed meat loaf does one person need to eat? Oscar Mayer still sells the basics – bologna, ham, turkey, salami, and pickle-pimento loaf and they have gone a little more health-conscious by making low-sodium and no nitrate options. But there’s just something nostalgic about that bright yellow packaging and pressed pig assholes that today’s generation will never get to experience.

Make sure to check out Pinching a Loaf Part II where I discuss my love/hate about bologna. Also, if you have any info or experience/memories regarding any of the Oscar Mayer lunch meat, please drop me a line or leave a comment.

ALSO, I am looking for a copy of the recipe booklet mentioned in the ad above – “The Art of Cold-Cutting”. If you have one or find one, please let me know.